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Chain Letter Worth Sending!  Courtesy of Cynthia Lichter
Interesting Thoughts... Courtesy of Debbie Tufano
Children of Yester-year... Courtesy of my sister Phyllis


Below is the ONLY chain letter I have ever come across actually WORTH forwarding. I have seen it many times and each time I have forgotten to save it. Thank God my friend Cynthia (an absolute DOLL of a woman) sent it to me once again and FINALLY I remembered to make it public and permanent by posting it HERE for all to enjoy!
Please be advised it is of an adult nature and should be treated as such.
If you SHOULDN'T be reading it, then DON'T.
  
If not, feel free to copy it and pass it along to your friends!!!! Enjoy!

Below the Chain Letter are some often overlooked "Strange-But-True" tidbits that are sure to make you smile. These came to Goldies courtesy of my adorable (and STILL single guys) cousin Debbie.

Last is a contribution from my Sister Phyllis and made me remember (and miss) the "old-days".

THE..... chain letter...


    Hello, my name is John and I suffer from the guilt of not
    forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people
    who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old
    girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to
    raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents
    sell her to a traveling freak show.

    Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and
    everyone to whom you send “his” email, $1000?
    How stupid are we?

 “Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page
    and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a model I just happen to run
    into the next day!”
    What a bunch of bullshit.

    Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house
    and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that
    was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by
    midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
    Fuck them.

    If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something
    mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest
    friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
    somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards
    about 90 times.
    I don’t fucking care.

    Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually
    contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s
    our own unpopularity.
 

    The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening
    to leave you shag less or luckless for the rest of your life,
    delete it. If it’s funny, send it on.

    Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
    Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead
    elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per
    letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.
 

    Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning
    your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your
    genitals.

    Have a nice day.

    P.S. Send me 15 bucks.


Husband Applicant Evaluations
Courtesy of my friend Larry Heyns

This applicant has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this applicant to breed.
This applicant is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young man has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This applicant is depriving a village somewhere of their idiot.
This applicant should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

 Did You Ever Wonder . .


- Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
- Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
- Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
- On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of read do they think people are really going to try to stuff in that slot?
- Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
- Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
- How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
- Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
- When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'Its all right." It isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
- Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
- Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
- In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
- How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

The Following was sent to me by my Cousin Louie:

Subject: Two Choices

What would you do? You make the choice! Don't look for a punch line; There isn't one! Read it anyway. My question to all of you is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child." Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked," Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play, not expecting much. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench put on a team shirt with a broad smile and his Father had a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing the other team putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over, but the pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the head of the first baseman, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever ran that far but made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to second base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on their team, who had a chance to be the hero for his team for the first time. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and he too intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"

Shay reached third base, the opposing shortstop ran to help him and turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams and those watching were on their feet were screaming, "Shay, run home! Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

That day, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world.

Shay didn't make it to another summer and died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his Father so happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

Things were so much better - being so much simpler and I wish my children were able to experience what I have during my younger simpler childhood!  Phyllis G. TO ALL KIDS WHO SURVIVED the

1930’s 40’s, 50’s,   and 60’s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!

HOW TO WIN IN A GUNFIGHT
courtesy of Josh Honig

1) Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a four
2) Be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH
3) Be polite and professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet
4) Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive
5) Use cover or concealment as much as possible
6) Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose, and in 10 years nobody will remember the details, they will only remember who lived

 

 

 

 

 

 

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This site was last updated on Wednesday, October 31, 2007 .
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